I kept running, just to catch up with the self I once hoped for.

Sept. 22, 2025, 2:22 p.m. Essays

Like me, a person as outstanding as this, should have had a splendid life.

How have the past twenty-odd years been? I’m still drifting among people.

1

How many beautiful opportunities there are, they’re like stepping stones. How many youthful memories there are, they’re all about reckless strides. Dreams are cheap, everyone can have them. Dreams are precious, they make you keep striving.

Before 23, my youth was unrestrained and full of ups and downs, although life often made me unrecognizable. I played many roles.

I grew up in a small village in the southwestern region, and arrived in Chengdu, the provincial capital, in 2015. It was a big contrast to my rural upbringing.

After graduating, I first interned at a law firm, and then worked as a temporary worker for six months in a government department. If I hadn’t left that unit, I might now be a civil servant, just like a tree rooted in one place.

The departure was because I couldn’t bear the monotonous and boring days in the public sector. After a few days of hesitation, I headed north alone to Beijing. At that time, I was 21 years old.

In Beijing, things were very difficult. The main reason was that I was hit by a car shortly after arriving, although it wasn’t a serious accident. I was in a cast for nearly two months and lay in bed.

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During the Beijing ‘brokehead’ years, I became more restrained and prudent. I met people from all corners of the country and saw different social classes. However, I never found the things I had once longed for, such as the perception that people from the cultural sector were meant to be in Beijing. In fact, it’s just a superficial tendency.

After two years of ‘brokehead’ life in Beijing, I suddenly realized that I seemed to have lost the flame of my dreams. So I left decisively, starting in Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Ningbo, Changsha, Zhengzhou... wandering between these cities.

During this time, because of love, I imagined myself fighting against the whole world, and experienced being interviewed seven or eight times for a job. All I did was to establish myself in a strange city. The sole motivation was ‘her’.

During this time, because of survival, I worked as a general worker in a coastal small factory, working more than 10 hours a day (I had no choice but to work overtime to earn a little more money. I just wanted to make a little more money so as not to starve or rely solely on friends for support).

During this time, because of ideals, I traveled around the cities alone, carrying a backpack and a suitcase, wandering between cities, staying in hostels for 50-60 yuan a night, eating simple meals. I did this to save money and support my wandering.

During this time, I turned a corner and became lonely. I had already laid myself down beside me.

Later, tired and exhausted, I chose to go home. In early 2016, I returned to my familiar city!

2

Returning to Chengdu at 23, how many 23-year-olds are there? Thinking about it, I was a little scared, but I couldn’t help but think about those past years of mountains and rivers. My thoughts drifted back to the carefree childhood.

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I am lucky to have a sister, and basically, we grew up with𒂷Elder. The time spent with her was precious and unique.

When I was in junior high, I still thought that if I could get into a university, I would get a degree and then relax. But that didn’t happen.

After graduating from university, I started working and realized that life wasn’t just about the immediate present; it was also about poetry and distant lands. I began to adjust and grasp my current work and life, hoping that through my unremitting efforts, I could realize my dreams.

I’ve learned to be cautious, modest, persistent, and patient. This is what I’ve learned through years of experience.

I’ve learned that you have to keep running, no matter your work or life, whether it’s friendship or love, whether it’s family or society, whether it’s now or in the future.

I've learned that I’m Chen Yaxu, a relatively unknown and independent person. The road is long, and I’m glad to meet you. I hope that in the future, we can work together to move forward.