Sixteen Characteristics of Self-Absorbed Parents | The Selfish Parents

Aug. 30, 2025, 3:50 a.m. Essays

After the first edition of ‘The Selfish Parents’ was published, many readers have left me enthusiastic messages. Based on these messages, I wrote a letter to those narcissistic parents, portraying how their children feel in adulthood. Some words are addressed to mothers, and some to fathers.

Let’s see if this passage resonates with you:

“It’s all for me; I ensure everything is for me! What you think and want is the key. Everything must be done as you want, or you won’t accept it. You never considered that others have the right to be different! You know what’s best and always think you’re right, and I have to agree, or you’ll be angry, dissatisfied, or disappointed.

You only care about yourself. You exploit every situation to satisfy your needs. You are oblivious to others’ needs and emotions. You are best at manipulating others. You go to great lengths to make me feel ashamed, angry, sad, and humiliated, and confirm that I should feel the way you want me to. You constantly belittle me, criticize me, and tell me that I’m worthless, even when I’m by your side.

I want to please you, but it seems impossible. You are like a tornado; I know you will explode, so I’m prepared for everything. However, no matter how I prepare, it’s futile; when you leave, I’m filled with resentment and pick up the pieces, and you remain indifferent or don’t care about the damage you’ve caused me.

I wish I could receive some signals that you like me, love me, but during all the years with you, I never felt it. This lack has had a profound impact on me. During my growth, you never understood my feelings; when I tried to let you know, you either ignored, dismissed, or got furious, saying I didn’t appreciate it, that I was disrespecting you,

Now I am an adult, and I still yearn for your love. I know you won’t change, but that won’t affect my desire for a more fulfilling and loving parent-child relationship.

These readers mostly realized that childhood experiences have a lasting negative impact on their adult lives, and they want to do something to weaken or eliminate these influences.

The first edition of ‘The Selfish Parents’ described many behaviors and attitudes of destructive narcissistic parents, which caused children’s pain.

This set of behaviors and attitudes is referred to as the Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (DNP).

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As children grow up, they clearly realize the negative influences their parents have had on them, but these influences still erode their self-esteem, confidence, and self-efficacy. While describing these problems, I will also offer guidance and suggestions to help adult children cope with these negative influences, thus establishing and consolidating their adult selves to avoid further harm and emotional corruption.

Definition of Narcissism

The word ‘narcissism’ has been widely used. Narcissism can be defined as adults’ self-love, self-esteem, and feelings about their core selves. One end of narcissism is a healthy and mature narcissism (Kohut, 1977); the other end is an extremely immature and unrealistic narcissism centered solely on oneself.

There is an intermediate area between these two extremes, where some aspects are progressing towards healthy narcissism, while others are still immature narcissism. The remaining ones are still in development.

The behaviors we see in babies and children, once they appear in adults, indicate an immature, undeveloped narcissism. For example, constantly boasting about oneself, expecting others to willingly satisfy one’s demands, and taking unnecessary risks to harm oneself.

The definition of narcissism is not judgmental; it doesn’t judge whether it’s good or bad, it merely describes a series of attitudes and behaviors, revealing how a person perceives themselves, the degree to which they feel separated from others, and how they perceive and evaluate others.

The focus of this book is to describe these revealing behaviors and attitudes, gradually understand their impact on interpersonal relationships, and how the missing is promoted their growth. The missing may be unconscious, and the person doesn’t notice it.

And this will bring difficulties to others in interpersonal interactions, because a person with immature, undeveloped narcissism won’t realize that their behaviors are very childish; they won’t be aware of the negative impact they’ve caused to others, they will treat it indifferently.

This book provides information and strategies that can be of great help in everyday life with parents and others. However, no book can replace a professional psychologist, who can guide your personal development. I encourage you to seek professional services and guidance. This book cannot replace professional help, but it can be a good starting point, a companion on your soul's journey, helping you gradually escape the shadow of narcissistic parents.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents

If someone consistently and extremely focuses on themselves in almost all situations and circumstances, that’s what we call narcissism (self-admiration).

Narcissistic people’s behavior is based on their own needs in most situations, even if some behaviors seem to be intended for others.

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It’s all for me; I ensure everything is for me! What you think and want is the key. Everything must be done as you want, or you won’t accept it. You never considered that others have the right to be different! You know what’s best and always think you’re right, and I have to agree, or you’ll be angry, dissatisfied, or disappointed.

The behaviors and attitudes of narcissistic parents

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