Be a Sound Conduit, Not a Conflict Mediator
Many people fear conflict. It can be explained by the fact that, compared to inner conflict, experiencing conflict with others in life triggers more fear and tension. We don't know how it will end, we don't want to lose anything, we fear losing control, and we fear it will damage our relationships.
For women, the topic of conflict is particularly important. Most women are taught from a young age that conflict is like anger and anxiety – it must be denied, avoided, or suppressed.
We often hear people say:
We never fight.
I'll try to maintain family harmony.
After so many years of marriage, we've never had a major disagreement.
Many women are accustomed to playing the role of mediator, ensuring that everyone can be happy. They often intervene in other people's conflicts, preventing anyone from being hurt or stimulated.
We strive to avoid conflict because we don't see it as a manifestation of unmet needs.
Shannan had a period of time when she really enjoyed watching her dad play games. Her mother suddenly heard the noise and thought they were arguing, so she immediately went to see what was happening. Seeing her dad angry and having flipped her daughter's little stool, Shannan started to cry.
Mom asked roughly what happened, and Dad said in a disgruntled tone that her daughter had been crawling all over him, disrupting his game, it was annoying, 'it's annoying!' Then she listened to both sides.
Mom said to her daughter, 'Dad flipped your stool, you're angry and upset.'
Then she turned to her husband: 'Your daughter disrupted you while you were playing games, you feel annoyed.'
Shannan said, 'Throw Dad out the window!'
Mom said, 'Oh, you think throwing Dad out the window would make you feel better.' The daughter nodded in agreement.
After Shannan calmed down, Mom told her daughter, 'You were crawling all over Dad while he was playing games, and he couldn't play his game.' Then she told her husband, 'Your daughter wants you to play with her for a while.'
Dad wanted to play games, and the daughter wanted Dad to play with her; they both had their own needs, but expressed them through the other person's dislikable behavior. Mom, through listening, saw both the needs and feelings of the two parties, and then conveyed these needs and feelings to them. In this process, she did not ask the child or her husband how they should do it, but rather acted as a messenger, not a mediator.
Later, Dad and daughter's emotions calmed down, and they also realized their problems. They found a mutually acceptable solution: Dad continued to play games, and the daughter continued to watch him play, but they both understood each other's needs and were willing to compromise.
I believe many women are very afraid of conflict and feel a responsibility and obligation to act as mediators, helping their families resolve conflicts. However, it often goes awry, not only failing to resolve the conflict but also leading to self-doubt.
A person's maturity begins with no longer taking responsibility for others' problems. As a parent, you especially need to learn about assigning ownership of problems. Children's problems, lovers' problems, your own problems – everyone should take responsibility for their own problems, and everyone should leave the opportunity to solve the problem to themselves. When we all learn to take responsibility for ourselves and not for others' problems, we truly begin to live our own lives.
