The Root of All Human Suffering Lies in Our Inability to Control Ourselves

Sept. 22, 2025, 7:55 p.m. Essays

On Zhihu, there's a question: What kind of person do you see who doesn't strive for success?

A highly-rated answer is:

Anxiety about the current situation, but without the perseverance to change oneself.

Three minutes of hot potato, always hating one's own lack of competitiveness, the most persistent thing is to stop persisting.

Wanted to experience many kinds of life in a limited lifespan, but only knew how to mechanically repeat the same days for many years.

Spending all day browsing social networks, with a sickly yellow face staring at the cold light screen of mobile phones and computers, there are few people who can speak a few sentences.

Never truly experienced the vicissitudes of life, but still lost the last bit of youthful exuberance. Not yet possessing an indomitable heart, but prematurely lost the ability to weep with emotion.

Have you noticed that many people have the intention to strive for success and work hard, but in reality, they live sloppily and carelessly, lacking self-discipline.

So we complain about ourselves, always procrastinating and being lazy, but also condone ourselves to indulge in the present pleasure and tranquility.

In life, it's about conquering yourself.

If you can control yourself, you can have more and more freedom. But if you can't control yourself, you can only be swayed by reality and reality.

Why does a self-disciplined life seem like having cheat codes, but in reality, few people can do it?

Because self-discipline means giving up things you want, you can't have everything.

Just like you want to maintain a perfect figure and a healthy body, you have to say goodbye to junk food; you can't recklessly eat junk food.
Just like you want to be a class topper and earn scholarships, you can't let your roommates play games late at night, have romantic relationships, or chat on the phone, you can't do that.
Just like you want to have your own business, you must continue to research your interests in your spare time, socialize, and you must be willing to reject things moderately.

In this world, many things are impossible to achieve comprehensively, you must give up something.

However, as a social animal, people hate losing the pain of loss.

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Suppose someone gets 2000 yuan and loses 2000 yuan, which will have a greater impact on their hearts?
Obviously, losing money has a greater impact.
Psychological research shows that 'loss' has twice the impact of 'gain'.
This shows that people are more sensitive to loss.

Based on this innate tendency, many people are led by it.

So they greedily eat junk food while fantasizing about having six-pack abs.

And they still hope to achieve financial freedom before 30, but they don't do it.

......

There used to be a popular answer on Zhihu:

If you're constantly unproductive and confused, without any goals, don't dream of being a hero, just be content with mediocrity. You should both have a bright future and not need to exert much effort, why not be a hero?

When I was young, I always wanted to do something and then later realized that truly outstanding people know how to subtract things they shouldn't have, what things they shouldn't pursue, even if they fight to the death, they must strive for it.

At what moment do people realize the importance of self-discipline?

Probably not when they wake up late from sleep on a morning, not when they stay up late eating fried chicken and drinking beer, not when they are bored and spend time on their phones.

But when they find that their figures are getting fatter, their lives are becoming monotonous and boring, and their lives are becoming increasingly out of control, they will feel a huge pressure.

And at what moment do people realize the benefits of self-discipline?

Probably not when they force themselves to wake up at 5 am in the cold winter, not when they are tired and still exercise, not when they read books alone in the study.

But when they find that their bodies are getting better, their careers are getting more and more successful, and their lives are getting richer and more interesting, they will feel very satisfied.

For an unself-disciplined person, ease is temporary, but pain is long-lasting.

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And for a self-disciplined person, the process is painful, but the result is gratifying.

I remember there was a question online: What is the experience of a highly self-disciplined person?

A response is: 'No longer dragged by life, but lived in a square inch of space, the future is controllable, everything is orderly and in accordance with the plan, the life you want is within reach.'

When you feel you can't control yourself and want to slack off and give up, think about the life you want to live, and you probably won't be addicted to pleasure and tranquility.

But when you want to let yourself go and give up, think about the consequences of letting yourself go, and you'll probably have a sense of urgency to control and restrain yourself.

When talking about self-discipline, many people start to feel discouraged, feeling that it means absolute self-control and giving up laziness. In fact, self-discipline is simply a relative adjustment to a better state compared to the past.

But from a psychological perspective, the first thing you need to change is not how to manage yourself, but not to threaten yourself.

Don't think about how many times you get scolded by your phone and computer screen for being lazy, you fail almost inevitably.

Just like when children cry when they are scared, adults stubbornly believe that scaring themselves can change those behaviors that hurt them, but a large number of psychological research shows that threatening behavior changes are limited.

Because when you feel threatened, just like when teachers reprimand you, you first find various reasons to excuse yourself, such as you can sleep a nap tomorrow, being fat looks good luck, you have no work tomorrow, so you can play more.

Before mentioning that knowing you're doing things beyond the set will feel uncomfortable, feeling uncomfortable, the instinctive behavior is to avoid facing the results.

When you find reasons to rationalize your behavior, then gradually lose vigilance, this is the beginning.

Many bad habits and even diseases originate from this.

London University neurobehavioral scientist Tali Sharot conducted a large number of experiments on how to change human behavior, finding that it's not about threatening people with bad habits, but rather to comply with oneself and to give oneself positive incentives, we are more likely to change.

Don't think about how much you'll gain by drinking soda, just think that drinking water is more refreshing and lighter.

Don't warn yourself that staying up late will lead to death from overwork, just think that your skin condition will be better tomorrow, and you can buy your favorite breakfast.
Don't think about how you'll lose weight over a year, just adjust your fiber, protein, carbohydrates and water intake...
It's like I keep doing things for a year and eventually lose weight, I should have patience to gain weight.
Be tolerant of yourself, please relax and enjoy; don't be overly indulgent and blame yourself, bad habits don't form in a day, so you need to be patient to build new good habits.

As long as you truly love yourself, you will definitely meet the truly satisfying self.

Author: Shukeer Schuker – a very gloomy electronic music player